I'm Dying to Live
by ForeverFallen304
Summary: Squall has no hope for the future. After becoming deathly ill and finally recovering, there is no hope for him, for he's still very ill. He wishing for a future but it seems out of reach until a he meets a blond with sky blue eyes.oneshot? SquallxCloud AU


Once again, a story formed from a dream I had. I had this dream last summer or fall but in it I just saw Squall sitting in a field that was sloped like a hill looking to Cloud smiling, and Cloud was smiling back. I was a very cute moment but for some reason it seemed like Squall was holding something inside that Cloud didn't know about. Something that was making him terribly sad, like this moment would last. This story was formed off of that dream I hope you enjoy.

btw I did add some medical conditions and such in here just to make Squall's illnesses make more sense. Basically his true illness is unknown but its causing other problems similar to other conditions. I didn't do much research so I may not be 100 accurate but please don't read for fact but just for the story. Thanks

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**I'm Dying to Live**

_The Clearing Sky – Through Clear Blue Eyes _

The sun broke through the thick white clouds, and as the clouds continued to part, the clear blue sky, missing for so many days before, began to show.

The gloom that showered the sky for so long finally began to fade. And as a warm breeze started to blow, a light feeling lifted in Squall's chest as he realized how much this day reminded him of the day he realized he still had time left, he still had a chance to live his life, a chance to be happy, to live and lose, a chance to live, to really _live_…before he died. No matter how near or far that day would be, he wanted to make the most of it, to live his short life to the fullest but…he couldn't…not with his family, his friends… the entire town looking at him…with such sadness in their eyes. Like he was already gone. Like he was just some painful reminder of what was lost… even though he was still here: still living, breathing, _alive_… But he felt as dead as everyone else felt he was…

How was he expose to live…when he was already dead to those around him?

Squall thought back to the year his world fell apart…and his health.

-_Flashback_-

Squall was 15, a sophomore in high school -and life was great. He was getting straight A's, exceeding in all of his sports: pitcher of the baseball team, one of the best shooters on the basketball team, and heard he would have a promising chance at being captain of the football team in coming years. Squall was popular, he had many friends, his father was beyond proud of him, and to top it all off he was dating Rinoa Heartilly, his crush since elementary school.

In short, it was great -more than that, it was perfect, more than Squall ever wanted to accomplish, more than he thought he could.

So many doors were opened to Squall --and in a flash they were gone.

The first sign of Squall's failing health occurred when he collapsed in school one day and he was rushed to the hospital. It turned out to be a diabetic coma -Squall had developed diabetes. The doctors weren't sure how: Squall ate healthy, never too much or too little sugar, no earlier sighs or symptoms, it just seemed to have developed overnight. It was alright though, no real worry; some shots, extra snacks, food restrictions. Squall could handle that. It was a common illness, Squall wouldn't die, and he wouldn't have to change anything; life would go on, just as it had before. In a week or two everything would be back to normal.

But that's not what happened-

Less than three days after being released from the hospital, Squall was rushed back on what turned out to be an allergic reaction to his lunch. He was given an EpiPen and questioned on what he had eaten that day for lunch. Everything Squall replied with were things he had eaten his entire life without a problem and even more strange, Squall had no previous food allergies.

Squall was given an allergy test and out of the 30 things he was tested with 12 came back positive; all of which were food. Food Squall had eaten in the past with no problems.

Confused by the results his father asked for another test. The doctors agreed and Squall stayed at the hospital for the next two weeks before the retest, to have his meals monitored for any negative reactions he may have from the food.

Squall had random outbreaks/allergic reactions to food for the first week, but by the second week he had none; not even from the foods from the previous week. Even more strange, when they gave Squall his second allergy test, (in which he was tested for all the same things as the first test) he was only allergic to 3 out of the previous 12. The doctors decided to keep Squall for at least another week, for observations and to try and figure out why his body kept reacting differently to the same food over time.

Halfway through that week, Squall's intestines started to shutting down. Specifically, his kidneys, liver, small and large intestines. The doctors manage to get Squall on enough drugs to reverse it, temperately, but it also left Squall unable to function for the rest of the week. Until the doctors could control his body enough to lower the dosage to an amount Squall would be ale to function on.

It had been about a month since Squall ha been admitted into the hospital, and for that entire time Squall had been on bed rest. So the doctors decided Squall should start walking around his room and in the halls to keep his muscles from getting soft. But when they had Squall try to stand, he cried out in pain and fell to the ground. Laguna took Squall by his arms and went to help him up but when he began to pull on Squall's arms, Squall cried out and again yelled at his father: _"Stop! It hurts! Let me go!",_ Laguna consented and released his hold on Squall as one nurse came over to help Squall and the other went off to find his doctor.

It turned put that Squall had lost 1/3 of his bone mass throughout his body, excluding his teeth. The doctors were at a loss to what was wrong with Squall…

They gave him calcium pills to try and bring up his bone mass and within a few weeks Squall had recovered most of what he had lost for bone mass and slowly returned to a stable condition. Soon, Squall was able to start walking.

It had been two months sine he came to the hospital.

Two months, and things were… What where they? How were they?

How do you describe a situation that never improves but never gets worse?

_"How are you, Squall?" _Irvine's voice was the first familiar sound Squall had heard in months, besides his father's. It was comforting, soothing, reliving --it was frightening, sad, and alarming. Tears welled in Squall's eyes as he wondered desperately, _What's wrong with me?_

And even more unnerving, how was he suppose to answer Irvine? How _was_ he? He hadn't gotten any better or worse, for the matter. His condition was stable -then he realized something. He _was_ his condition, and at the moment…that's all he was.

_"Squall?"_

"…Stable."

_"What?"_

"You asked how I was…I'm stable."

Squall closed his eyes tightly as the tears began to fall. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want Irvine to hear. Squall turned to his father, silently begging for with father to take the phone. He did. Squall turned to his sheets and looked to his open palm.

It wasn't just Irvine…he didn't want to admit it to himself how hopeless his situation was.

He was going to die…and there was nothing he, or any of the doctors, even the Goddess herself could do to change that…

6 months later…

He was released from the hospital. After 8 months he was free from that cold, sterile place, full of sickness and death. Finally, finally he was free…but he felt trapped.

He had to repeat his sophomore year. He had no choice, no chance to make it up. If he was ever going to graduate, he had to do it this way. Alone…

After so much time in the hospital, Squall's muscle tone had gone down dramatically. So, he couldn't take sports and he had to sit out from even gym. He was so weak…

He lost his long desired crush, his precious girlfriend Rinoa, through his own doing. While in the hospital, when she called, he told her to move on, that they should stop dating and she should find someone else. At first she refused, to Squall's delight and agony. He couldn't keep her, not like this. What kind of boyfriend was he? What kind of relationship was _this_? She never got to see him; barely able to call him. He could never hold her, comfort her, make her smile, be there for her…nothing. The foundation of their relationship, all the love he had for her all this time, felt more like it was trapping Rinoa, instead of supporting her. He felt like he had found the most beautiful bird in the world and he locked her away in a cage to keep all to himself. A cold cage were she could not reach him…perhaps he was the one in a cage but it didn't matter. They were both trapped… but _he_ could release_ her_. So he did, he opened the cage and let the precious bird, he adored more than anyone else, go. He told her he didn't want her, that _he_ was leaving _her_. He drove her away and broke her heart…all to let her go, to free her from him. She flew away, she didn't call again. He cried the entire night.

Squall saw the school nurse so many times a day he was becoming acquainted with her more than he would have preferred. More than he found normal for a student…but, then again, he wasn't a normal student. A _normal_ student wouldn't need to take 3 to 5 different pills three times a day. A _normal_ student could stand on their own two feet without more prescription drugs than an drug dealer would have. A _normal _student…would be able face his friends, without feeling ashamed. A _normal_ student could graduate with their own class. A _normal _student could have a _normal_ life enjoying _normal_ activities without worries or fears. Without the angel of death behind him every moment of everyday, waiting to strike. Hovering, sneering at him with a distasteful humor as he watched him suffer and slowly die from the inside out. More literal than he would prefer but just as metaphorical.

Squall lost the girl of his dreams, never became captain of the football team, actually he couldn't even take up any of the old sports he had enjoyed so much, between his fragile body and weak muscle build he would be more of a liability that an asset, neither mattered for his doctor wouldn't sign the papers to allow him into sports because of his health, he was an outcast to both his previous peers and his new classmates, he avoided his friends, his father constantly worried about him, but he graduated nonetheless with a 4.0 at the age of 19. With an uncertain future and the angel of death as his shadow.

-_End of Flashback-_

Now, here he was, laying on his back in the middle of a field off of the main road, alone, with a black messenger bag at his side, that held his life medicines. Being alone didn't bother him, not anymore. He had become accustomed to the feeling and it had become numb to him as did everything else.

When it came to the town, he had no future. _Here_ he had no future. But where could he build one? He couldn't just run off. Only if he wished for his own death by becoming unable to afford his own medications. As much as he hated it, he couldn't live without the black bag at his side and all of the contents it held but, then again, everything that bag held couldn't prevent his destine fate. His drugs were giving him more time, yes, but they could not stop his pending death. When that would be, could be debated by doctors for hours, days, maybe longer. His time ranged from days, months, years. It just depended on who he spoke to, who's advice he asked for, which options he took. But overall, for him, Squall Leonhart, nothing was certain.

He watched as the sky became more blue, he closed his eyes, about to drift, when something stuck his shoulder hard and fell over, almost past him, to his side. Squall's eyes shot open and he sat up to find what appear to be a very feminine and delicate looking blonde in a tux, whom had fallen, from what it appeared, face first to the ground. The blonde cursed and turned violently in the direction of Squall only to blink in surprise at the brunet in front of him. Squall tilted his head at the blonde, wondering what this person was doing wondering around in this field, off the main and busy road, when he caught sight of the blondes eyes.

This person in front of him, male or female, he couldn't be sure, had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. They were like looking to the sky on a clear cloudless day. The type of days that made Squall feel hope for a future, a future where _he_ could be happy. Where he could live his life and feel _normal_. Just for a little while. Just before the end.

The blonde's eyes were pale and _so_ clear; Squall felt like he could see his future in them. That perhaps this person in front of him was the key to the life he had longed so long for.

Would this person be the one to take him away from this place? Away from all the sadness and pain. Would this person be the one to enable to live time he had left out to the fullest? Could this person, so beautiful and perfect, be the angel of death?

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Well? Did you like?

Currently I'm trying to decide if I should leave this as a one shot or go on with the story. I have an idea for what will happen next but I'm not sure if you guys would like. Basically, Cloud's a head of some sort of company and is going to take Squall right from there to work for him. Thus allowing his past to stay behind him. The only career I could this of was Cloud running a modeling agency (well technically its his fathers but he has like his own little part) and wants Squall to be one of his models. If you guys like this idea and would like to see more please let me know. If not and you have an idea you would like to throw out there, be my guest.

Anyways, Thank you for reading and please review I would more defiantly appreciate the feedback.


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